Monday, December 12, 2005

A Prayer

So I feel pretty good today... I tried to sleep but I couldn' I'm going to write and try again.
I just prayed about something that was kinda frivolous and I just realized that while I was going through the cancer treatment, I never once prayed for cure. I prayed for all of those who were praying for me and for all of my friends and family to get through it, but I don't remember praying to get over it. Isn't that funny? That I can pray about something so little, but not about something that big? I guess it kinda makes sense. I knew that God was doing what He was for a reason and that He wouldn't have given me cancer if He didn't have something in mind for me later on. But the little things, sometimes I don't know if he realizes how much they mean to me, or how much I believe they mean. You know what? He usually answers them too. Whether it be what I wanted or not, He teaches me something through everything that I ask of him and everything that likewise results.
Our God sure is an awesome God isn't he?
-Just Live-
P.s. i know I've already used this picture, but it seemed to apply here.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

The Wedding

"The Wedding" is a really good book, btw. I wish I had more time to read.
I am so blessed and it's funny how even after cancer, I find myself obsessing over little things. This book really makes me think about my parents and how they are drifting. I mean, I know they still love eachother, but they spend literally 24 hours a day together, without really being together. Working and owning a business together makes for a rocky relationship. All they talk about anymore is the car lot. I just wish they would realize that life is precious and sometimes short. You would think that your daughter getting cancer would snap you into reality. I only see my dad about once a week and we seldom eat dinner together as a family. My mom tries so hard to hold everything together, but it shouldn't be a one person job. I try to help, but there's only so much I can do. It seems like whatever I do seems to be the wrong thing. I love my dad when he is himself, but the only time he's himself is on vacation and the only time we are on vacation is during the flyins. I love seeing his eyes light up when he tells his pilot friends about my flying. I wish he could be that funny, lovable dad all the time. When we are at home, he turns cold, absorbed in the newspaper or the weather channel. He has a permanent frown on his forhead. I know I'm taking this all too seriously, because a lot of people are worse off than me, but I just wish my dad would realize that he has all he's ever wanted right infront of him. He needs to enjoy it while it's still there. I would rather have my dad happy and at home than sad and constantly working. I wonder if my dad thinks about these things...somehow I doubt it.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005


He is soooooooo cute! State Fair

People are so incredibly predictable, yet so amazingly confusing at the same time...I was giving my presentation in English class today on Emerson's quote, "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist." It's easy to say that being a nonconformist these days really is being a conformist, but I think that being a nonconformist is just being yourself. You can come to the same conclusion as everyone else, but it's the way you came to that conclusion that makes you a nonconformist, it's the steps you took or the things that happend to you that helped you make that decision which shows your individuality. I think it's time for me to make a list again. My lists are not the typical lists. I don't want a guy that says incredibly syrupy sweet things, or brings me roses every day. I don't want a best friend that I can gossip with. I'm kinda different.
Best friend
like Emerson says, "A friend is one before whom I may think aloud." I want my friend to actually listen to what I am saying and respond with an answer that contributes to the conversation topic instead of spending the time that I am talking, thinking about what they are going to say next.
Someone who can look at me and know what I'm feeling on the inside, no matter how I am protraying myself on the outside. They would give me a hug when I really needed one.
They may not be there for me 24/7, but they are there when I really need them.
This person knows who they are and doesn't change at the drop of a hat.
They stick to their opinions, morals, and values.
Mr. Right
Funny, but not stupid funny, witty humor. Makes me laugh about things and at myself. He can also laugh at himself.
Sweet but not corny.
Jealous, in a cute way, but not overprotective or obsessive.
Intelligent when it counts.
Self assured and confident, but not arrogant or concieted.
Creative with date ideas and presents.
Treats me like a lady, but lets me be a tomboy when I want.
Understands that even though I'm ditzy and late I have good intentions.
Understands and respects my morals and values.
Unpredictable enough that I occationally have no idea what he's thinking or doing.
Has his own life and his own friends.
Wants me to meet his family and friends.
Knows that he's lucky to have me and doesn't risk losing me. But if he does lose me, he would do anything to get me back as long as he knew that I still wanted to be with him.
Would come dancing with me and go till he learned how to dance regardless of how stupid he looked.
Find a different way to tell me that he loves me and say it at times when I don't feel very loved.
Understand that I have my own dreams and as long has he respects mine, I will respect his.
Lets me practice taking pictures on him.
Adds to my personality, doesn't take away.
Enjoys doing outdoorsy things. And is willing to try anything.
Lets me be me and loves me for who I am.
Wants to travel the world with me.
....................I wonder if I'm ever going to find the guy that's right for me.........................
I know he's out there......somewhere.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Walk the Line

I got these shoes at a vintage shop. I just watched the movie, "walk the line" with my mom. I think this shadow illustrates that phrase...

Friday, November 4, 2005

Just some thoughts...

Do you ever wonder why it is so hard to be happy? It seems like no matter what you do, you are always hurting someone. Being happy should be the easiest task. Somehow, everyone is out to get eachother. Someone's best friend can turn out to be their worst enemy. I've tried the, "Don't tell anyone your secrets and don't tell anyone else's" but it seems that is all conversations consist of these days, "Gossip". I hear even the smartest people trading stories on others. Talking about how much one group of people gossips, while doing it themselves. I do it myself. I can't figure out if it is just because I'm forced to participate or if it's the form of peer pressure that i so often claim to resist. Or is it taht we all have this burning desire to talk about others?
It's like fashion, I always try not to be trendy, I never like the fashion on the racks, then eventually I am forced to buy into it. It begins to "grow on me". Perhaps it is because fashion, like so many other things is forced on us. If the only item every store sells is a puke green sweater, no matter how much we all hate it, every one of us will eventually own one. It becomes cool simply because we are forced to view it as such.
Back to gossip, I feel terrible when I think about the saying I always quote, "Stupid people talk about people, average people talk about things, smart people talk about ideas." or "It's better to be silent and be thought wise, than to speak and be thought a fool." People also like to talk about themselves. i would think the goal in life would be to learn all you can about everyone and everything around you by listening. Rather than to tell everyone and everything about yourself therefore gaining no knowledge.
When guys start high school, they start thinking about girls (okay, before highschool). They do everything they can to get "that girl". If only they would spend less time thinking about girls and more time learning and doing things that they enjoy. Things that they would benefit from and things that girls would love about them. These boys would be more appealing to "that girl". Who wants to date someone whose life experience consists of what he's seen on T.V.? No one wants to date a guy whose interests are: T.V., girls, video games, girls, and uh more T.V. Wouldn't a girl rather date the guy that never had time for a girlfriend because he was too busy having a life? Same goes for girls, why not spend that spare time learning about yourself and making yourself a more interesting person. Ask yourself if you would want to spend time with you. If you wouldn't, there must be something you are missing. If you aren't interesting enough for you to be alone with yourself, why would you be interesting to anyone else?
If you don't agree with me, that's fine, because I'm not telling you how to live your life, I'm just telling you how I plan on living mine.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The River

So lately I haven't felt like writing about what I really thought. I think life is amazing, but right now I'm having to go through another hard time. (At least this time not everything is happening at once) I don't understand why friends can't just be there for you. I'm as guilty as anyone. Why does highschool force us to be eachother's worst enemies as opposed to greatest guides. Or perhaps the problem is that we are both: enemies and guides. Maybe that's what gets so many people in trouble. They follow. I feel like:
I am on one side of a river with rapids. All of my friends are on the other side. They are trying but failing to cross the river. I keep telling them that they should use the log, but they just keep jumping in and getting out on the wrong side. Some of them are trying to swim and being forced further down stream. I feel helpless as to what I should do. I've tried talking to them, I've tried helping them myself, only to get dragged back in the river. Then I sit, cold and wet on the other side. You see, the sun won't shine until all of my friends are on the same side as me.
Why can't people learn to "Just Live" and not worry what other's think?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Who Am I?

Strong, womanly : Greek

Life is never dull with your adventurous and restless spirit. You are always on the move and seeking a new challenge to pit your wits against. Being in touch with nature you love the outdoors. You have keen intuition and a desire for knowledge and you can be something of a crusader. When you apply discipline and tenacity to your energetic mind then leadership positions are easily available to you.

My last name means:

You have leadership ability and with your power of expression can be an influential speaker. Organisation or management would suit you. Your energy, intellect and creativity overcome any challenging situations and assure your future success. Certainly with your emotions under control there is nothing which you cannot achieve. Your faith and vitality means that love and prosperity are naturally attracted to you.

My First and Last name mean:
Solid, dependable and hardworking you have a fairly conservative approach to life and know that organisation gets results. With enormous courage and discipline you overcome difficult situations by tackling them head on. You have great maturity, able to balance your mind and emotions to reach sound decisions. Your talents and determination are likely to lead to a great deal of worldly success.

my full name means:

You are honest, hardworking and tenacious with a practical approach to life. Being independent and with the ability to accept responsibilities the worldly success which you achieve is a result of your own efforts. Balanced emotions and forward planning mean that you are rarely ruffled by circumstances. You have creative flair which might find an outlet through art or in social projects.

Who Are You?

So apparently things do happen in