Monday, December 12, 2005
So I feel pretty good today... I tried to sleep but I couldn't...so I'm going to write and try again.
I just prayed about something that was kinda frivolous and I just realized that while I was going through the cancer treatment, I never once prayed for cure. I prayed for all of those who were praying for me and for all of my friends and family to get through it, but I don't remember praying to get over it. Isn't that funny? That I can pray about something so little, but not about something that big? I guess it kinda makes sense. I knew that God was doing what He was for a reason and that He wouldn't have given me cancer if He didn't have something in mind for me later on. But the little things, sometimes I don't know if he realizes how much they mean to me, or how much I believe they mean. You know what? He usually answers them too. Whether it be what I wanted or not, He teaches me something through everything that I ask of him and everything that likewise results.
Our God sure is an awesome God isn't he?
P.s. i know I've already used this picture, but it seemed to apply here.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
"The Wedding" is a really good book, btw. I wish I had more time to read.
I am so blessed and it's funny how even after cancer, I find myself obsessing over little things. This book really makes me think about my parents and how they are drifting. I mean, I know they still love eachother, but they spend literally 24 hours a day together, without really being together. Working and owning a business together makes for a rocky relationship. All they talk about anymore is the car lot. I just wish they would realize that life is precious and sometimes short. You would think that your daughter getting cancer would snap you into reality. I only see my dad about once a week and we seldom eat dinner together as a family. My mom tries so hard to hold everything together, but it shouldn't be a one person job. I try to help, but there's only so much I can do. It seems like whatever I do seems to be the wrong thing. I love my dad when he is himself, but the only time he's himself is on vacation and the only time we are on vacation is during the flyins. I love seeing his eyes light up when he tells his pilot friends about my flying. I wish he could be that funny, lovable dad all the time. When we are at home, he turns cold, absorbed in the newspaper or the weather channel. He has a permanent frown on his forhead. I know I'm taking this all too seriously, because a lot of people are worse off than me, but I just wish my dad would realize that he has all he's ever wanted right infront of him. He needs to enjoy it while it's still there. I would rather have my dad happy and at home than sad and constantly working. I wonder if my dad thinks about these things...somehow I doubt it.
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
He is soooooooo cute! State Fair
People are so incredibly predictable, yet so amazingly confusing at the same time...I was giving my presentation in English class today on Emerson's quote, "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist." It's easy to say that being a nonconformist these days really is being a conformist, but I think that being a nonconformist is just being yourself. You can come to the same conclusion as everyone else, but it's the way you came to that conclusion that makes you a nonconformist, it's the steps you took or the things that happend to you that helped you make that decision which shows your individuality. I think it's time for me to make a list again. My lists are not the typical lists. I don't want a guy that says incredibly syrupy sweet things, or brings me roses every day. I don't want a best friend that I can gossip with. I'm kinda different.
like Emerson says, "A friend is one before whom I may think aloud." I want my friend to actually listen to what I am saying and respond with an answer that contributes to the conversation topic instead of spending the time that I am talking, thinking about what they are going to say next.
Someone who can look at me and know what I'm feeling on the inside, no matter how I am protraying myself on the outside. They would give me a hug when I really needed one.
They may not be there for me 24/7, but they are there when I really need them.
This person knows who they are and doesn't change at the drop of a hat.
They stick to their opinions, morals, and values.
Funny, but not stupid funny, witty humor. Makes me laugh about things and at myself. He can also laugh at himself.
Sweet but not corny.
Jealous, in a cute way, but not overprotective or obsessive.
Intelligent when it counts.
Self assured and confident, but not arrogant or concieted.
Creative with date ideas and presents.
Treats me like a lady, but lets me be a tomboy when I want.
Understands that even though I'm ditzy and late I have good intentions.
Understands and respects my morals and values.
Unpredictable enough that I occationally have no idea what he's thinking or doing.
Has his own life and his own friends.
Wants me to meet his family and friends.
Knows that he's lucky to have me and doesn't risk losing me. But if he does lose me, he would do anything to get me back as long as he knew that I still wanted to be with him.
Would come dancing with me and go till he learned how to dance regardless of how stupid he looked.
Find a different way to tell me that he loves me and say it at times when I don't feel very loved.
Understand that I have my own dreams and as long has he respects mine, I will respect his.
Lets me practice taking pictures on him.
Adds to my personality, doesn't take away.
Enjoys doing outdoorsy things. And is willing to try anything.
Lets me be me and loves me for who I am.
Wants to travel the world with me.
....................I wonder if I'm ever going to find the guy that's right for me.........................
I know he's out there......somewhere.